Friday, September 08, 2006

The Tin Woodsman

[sung to the tune "If I only had a brain".]

Oh my life would be much sweeter
if you'd only tweak my peter,
if you'd only give it a tug.
And I'd jump right into bed
if I knew you'd give me head,
or if you'd only give it a tug.

I'm a little Chubby Checker.
I'll fuck you with my pecker.
Oh this I can't deny.
And I'd be feelin' oh so chipper
with your fingers on my zipper,
or with your hand upon my fly.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Passing The Time In The Mens Room

  1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
  2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that".
  3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
  5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
  6. Say, "Darn, this water is cold."
  7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantalope into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly.
  8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
  9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."
  10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor while yelling, "Whoa! Easy Boy!!"
  11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters."
  12. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and rop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Could you kick that back over here, please.
  13. Say, "C'm, on Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
  14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
  15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna to do?"
  16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down a copy of "Cross-Dresser Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor an say, "Peek-a-boo!"
  19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
  20. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Ode To A Cunt

O cunt! O cunt! You beautiful creature!
Your face all covered with hair.
You look like the wing of a sparrow,
but smell like the ass of a bear.

Here's to the cut that never heals!
The more you rub it, the better it feels!
But all the soap this side of hell
can't wash away that awful smell.